Everything was wonderful, I was
carrying about my normal day as I packed my daughter into the car to be dropped
off at her grandmother’s house so I could go to work. There was nothing
different about that day, we were preparing to move back to Florida, and so I
had to finish out my last week or so of work. As I pulled out of my driveway
and down the main road something just didn't seem to feel right. Suddenly, my
chest started to hurt and I began to lose focus. I felt as though I may pass
out at any minute, which made me fear I would crash the car into a tree. I
safely made it to my mother-in-law’s house to drop off the baby, but I wasn’t
feeling any better. By the time I got to work, my heart had begun to race and
the sweat was dripping from the palms of my hands. I had watched enough medical
shows to know that these were symptoms sure to lead to sudden death.
Since
I am able to write this story, it is obvious that I did not die suddenly,
though that is how I felt in that moment. Though this experience was scary,
little did I know at the time that it would be the first of many panic attacks
to come. After two years of suffering from these attacks, each with symptoms
that vary, I was diagnosed with having Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The more
people ask me questions about my disorder, the more I realize how mislead
people are about anxiety, which is why I have decided to give everyone a look
into an anxious mind and hope to bring other anxious minds some peace to know
that they are not alone.
Now
the American Psychological Association gives a great definition of anxiety that
I want to break down into two parts so people can understand the difference
between anxiety and an anxiety disorder. They Define anxiety as “emotion
characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes
like increased blood pressure” (Anxiety, n.d).
I separate this part of the definition from the second because this is
the part that is known.
People
know that anyone can have anxiety every once in a while, when in fact anxiety
is a part of who we are. Anxiety is waiting for a job interview, standing in
line for a roller coaster, and preparing to walk down the isle to say ‘I do.’
Anxiety is a perfectly normal emotion and everyone will experience it at one
time or another.
The
second part of the definition says, “People with anxiety disorders usually have
recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out
of worry. They may also have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling,
dizziness or a rapid heartbeat” (Anxiety, n.d). This second part helps to highlight that there is a major
difference between everyday anxiety and suffering from an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety
can be healthy, similar to the way a glass of wine is said to be good for your
heart. When that glass of wine turns into two bottles of wine a day, a line is
crossed between healthy and out of control. Anxiety disorders such as
Generalize Anxiety Disorder is when those healthy levels of anxiety cross the
line and get out of control. Generalized Anxiety Disorder started out as
regular anxiety for me, but it has gotten so out of control, it is difficult to
live life everyday.
When
I had the first panic attack in the car, it was quite the scary experience.
After I made my move to Florida, I thought everything would be fine since
nothing had happened since that day. Just when I thought everything was ok, I
was at a party and had the sensation that I could barely hold my head up. I
suddenly found it difficult to breathe and felt like I was going to be sick. My
heart was pounding so loudly in my chest, that my husband could hear it sitting
across the room.
Even
having this second scary experience, I didn’t go to the emergency room quite
yet, that day came when my body broke out with hives that lasted for over a
month. I explained everything to my doctors and they explained the concept of
anxiety attacks to me. I thought that hearing that there was nothing medically
wrong with me would be a relief and put an end to my panic attacks, but the
truth is, the disorder only got worse.
Soon
enough I began to panic about when I was going to have an anxiety attack again.
Everyone around me kept telling me to just stop being anxious, having little
understanding that it is not that easy. Robin Henig described why you couldn't
just turn it off in her article in the New York Times Understanding The
Anxious Mind.
“Anxiety
is not fear,
exactly,
because fear is focused on something right in front of you, a real and
objective danger. It is instead a kind of fear gone wild, a generalized sense
of dread about something out there that seems menacing — but that in truth is
not menacing, and may not even be out there. If you’re anxious, you find it
difficult to talk yourself out of this foreboding; you become trapped in an
endless loop of what-ifs” (Henig, 2009).
The
problem with suffering with an anxiety disorder is when people tell you to just
turn it off; you begin to feel different and sometimes a little bit crazy. When
everyone around you tells you that you are making yourself anxious and you just
have to stop, it begins to make you feel a little bit more alone. This happened
to me, even though millions of doctors have told me differently, I still always
feel like no one understands.
Suffering
from an anxiety disorder has changed my life and still affects me to this day.
I have found that I have anxiety attacks when I am driving, out of fear that I
may pass out from an anxiety attack as I had once before. When I go out in
public alone, I often get anxious wondering if people can tell there is
something wrong with me. I fear being at home alone because what if I mistake a
panic attack for a real medical emergency.
Anxiety has
taken over my life and unfortunately there is no quick fix to having an anxiety
disorder. I have spent two years battling these demons and I always hoped that
if people understood my anxious mind a little better, they might be more
sympathetic to anxious minds around them. I hoped that by sharing my anxious
mind with others, other anxious minds might not feel so alone. So this has been
your glimpse into a mind of everyday anxiety, fear, and sometimes sadness, I
hope to have spread some new knowledge on anxiety and hopefully, if only for a
moment, made someone feel a little less anxious.
Reference:
Anxiety.
(n.d.). American Psychological Association (APA). Retrieved July 8,
2013, from http://www.apa.org/topics/anxiety/
HENIG,
R. M. (2009, September 29). Understanding the Anxious Mind - NYTimes.com. NY
Times Advertisement. Retrieved July 8, 2013, from
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/04/magazine/04anxiety-t.html?pagewanted=all
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